


Hogwarts In Season

by HRT



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Whimsy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-29
Updated: 2008-10-28
Packaged: 2017-10-03 14:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HRT/pseuds/HRT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Marauders meet for the first time at Hogwarts, strange events start occurring around Remus.  Sirius, James, and Peter attempt to solve the mystery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When James Potter and Sirius Black arrived at Hogwarts for their first year at the wizarding school, Sirius didn't immediately notice the boy whom he would soon label as 'nice enough bloke, but a little peculiar, especially about squids.'

"Look," said James.

"Is that a 'view' look, or a see-my-point look?' I thought we'd settled that argument about the Cannons, James," Sirius replied as they stepped down from the steaming Hogwarts train.

"A view-look, you idiot!" James elbowed his friend.

"At what?" Sirius could see nothing of especial interest. There were boats, a lake, and a milling crowd of black-robed first years, though there did seem to be something impressive about that castle in the distance. "I suppose that's Hogwarts. Not bad, but I was hoping for something along the lines of Gormenghast."

"No, at that girl with the red hair."

"At a girl? Why?" A pang went through Sirius. James was noticing girls? He'd never done anything so strange before.

"Come on. Let's get into the same boat she does."

So that was how Sirius found himself sitting next to a sour-faced bloke by the name of 'Snape,' no first name offered, while opposite them sat James with the most lunatic grin aimed at the redheaded female by James' side. She recoiled and appeared to be making efforts not to be nauseous.

She didn't seem like a bad sort, this Lily Evans, though unused to leering James Potters, obviously.

Snape was curling his lip, Lily scooting away a little, and James leering harder when Sirius heard someone scream. Shouts were coming from one of the other boats. They all turned to see what the trouble was and Lily gasped. Something huge had surfaced right next to the boats, plucked a student right out of his seat, and was holding him aloft around the waist. "The Giant Squid," Snape said, raising an eyebrow.  "I've heard of it."

"It has a defenseless first year right in its tentacle. Bloody marvelous," breathed James. "You just don't see a Giant Squid kidnap a bloke every day. I wish I had a camera. What a picture for the Hogwarts Student Annual."

"I don't think he likes it, James," Sirius said. "He's screaming. It looks like a rescue might be in order."

Indeed, the kidnapped boy was yelling frantically, his eyes huge with fright. "Hello? Excuse me, could someone contact a teacher? I don't mean to be a bother, but this Squid is rather--AAAAHHHH!"

The tentacle moved, drawing the boy closer to the Squid's main body. An eye the size of a dinner plate was staring at its dangling captive.

"The giant squid is an entirely carnivorous cephalopod," Snape glowingly intoned, as if recalling a favorite passage from a book, "which uses its powerful tentacles and their rows of suckers to bind the limbs of its struggling prey with the cunning of an anaconda, squeezing until almost the last breath leaves its ribs. The squid completes the kill by pushing its captive underwater. The victim thrashes to be free, but can only produce increasingly feebler resistance. Finally, when all motion stops, the squid feeds. The cephalopod moves the prey up into the very innermost core of itself, where the prey is seized by a pair of large, hard chiton nippers. These clamp down and rend the victim like a vulture's beak stabbing at a carrion-corpse, tearing its dinner into more pleasing, bite-size pieces. If the victim somehow still manages to be alive at this point, it can feel itself being ripped apart in utmost agony.

"A bit romantic, actually," Snape added, and looked as though he meant it.

Both James and Sirius recoiled.

"Sev! Stop trying to scare them. We have to rescue that boy!" Lily shouted.

It seemed, however, that the victim had grown tired of waiting for rescue. The boy had managed to remove a wand from his robe sleeve. "STUPEFY STUPEFY STUPEFY!" he screamed at machine-gun speed.

The tentacle went limp, the Squid sank, and the boy plunged into the water with a huge splash.

"He did it!" Sirius yelled. "That's so cool; illegal underage magic. We're not even supposed to know that spell yet! What a stunner! It takes a really good one to lay out a giant squid."

James poked Lily and blushed meekly when she turned his way. "I wish that were you, you know. So we could rescue you. OW!" He rubbed the spot on his chest where she hit him.

"Stop being an idiot! We have to help him. He doesn't seem to know how to swim very well and he's been doing all the rescuing himself."

The boy was dog-paddling hard, wand held between his teeth, and he was barely managing to stay afloat. The large, floppy sleeves of his robe, once wet, were weighing down his arms and dragging. "Hep!" he shrilled through the wand. "Camp swmb!"

"We cannot steer these boats," Snape reminded Lily. "Nor do we know the spell that controls them. The spell is moving us away from him and it looks like he's going to have to continue rescuing himself."

There was one boat near the swimmer, and it was towards this boat that the boy steered for aid. One of the occupants, Rudolphus Lestrange, leaned over the side as the swimmer neared. "Are you going to try for Slytherin?" he called.

"Whup!?" the boy asked around his wand in disbelief.

"I said, are you going to try for Slytherin? No point in helping you if you're aiming for one of the other houses." The other three boys with Lestrange nodded firmly in agreement.

"You filthy shites!" Lily screeched.

"Excuse me Lily," James said, trying to take her arm only to be punched again. "Hey! I was going to tell you I know--"

"James," Sirius warned. "He's going down. You'll have to impress her another day. Get to it, man."

The boy's head had already slipped underwater a few times and the expression on his face was beyond frantic. Sirius slipped his shoes off and unzipped his robe, knowing that if James didn't act fast, someone was going to have to dive into the water.

"Oh! Yes, of course," James exclaimed, drawing his wand out. "Wingardium Leviosa!"

With a squeak, the swimming boy shot right out of the water and dangled in the air, copious amounts of the lake pouring from his robes.

"Brilliant, James!" Sirius said as James directed the flying boy closer and closer to their boat.

"Wait. You're not going to put him in here? This boat is full. We don't have room for five!" Snape exclaimed. "Set him down elsewhere!"

Ignoring this, James hovered the dripping boy right over Snape's head and left him there a long moment, as if having difficulty with the spell. "Potter!" Snape bellowed. "You're getting me wet."

"Set him down!" cried Lily, trying to grab the flying boy by his robes. James suddenly regained his dexterity and lowered the boy. However, the boat sagged dangerously under the extra weight exactly as Snape had predicted.

"Are you hurt?" Lily asked, hugging the boy.

The boy seemed too dazed to answer at first. He was staring blankly across the water where the Squid had been. "Why did he grab me?" the boy asked.

"Hey mate, are you all right?" Sirius said. "We wouldn't mind knowing. And what's your name?"

"Remus," said the boy slowly, still staring across the water. "Remus Lupin."

Lily was finger-combing Remus' wet hair out of his face, and plucking strands of water-weed from his robe. James was staring at Lily's delicate touches with a walloped-cod look that said that he too, wished he had almost been drowned by the Giant Squid.

"Let's get this robe off," Sirius told the boy. He was embarrassed that he hadn't been much help earlier, but then he didn't know many spells yet and had never anticipated a giant squid attacking on the first day of school. A detention for kicking a Slytherin maybe, or a stomachache from too much dessert at the feast, but a giant squid?

Sirius pulled the robe off and helped wring it out over the side. Snape was scowling. "Quit moving, Black, you're about to swamp us. Look how low we're sitting." All of them noticed little wavelets coming right inside the boat. "Any more of this and we're going down. Who's going to volunteer to lighten us by going over the side and swimming for shore? Black? You've proved yourself useless enough. How about you?"

Upon hearing this, Remus clung hard to both Lily and Sirius. "No! There's no need. I'm already wet, so maybe I could just hang over the side while you tow me to shore."

"No," said Sirius.

"No," said James.

"Sev! Don't be so harsh!" Lily cried.

James cleared his throat for attention, looking pleased with himself. "No need."

"Uh-oh."

The small cry from Remus made them all stare at him. "It's woken up."

Across the water, the Squid was rising from the lake, its tentacles twitching in a peculiar, irritated manner. Around them the children in the various boats began to scream again.

"You'd think Hogwarts would have a better way of getting students to school," said Sirius in disgust. "What is this, the equivalent of one of those American fraternity hazings?"

However, it seemed the adults at the castle had received warning. A very large man was standing on the shore holding his hands out toward the boats, calling out the words of a spell. Suddenly the boats began to pick up speed and were moving much more rapidly towards shore.

"'Old on now, 'old on. We'll 'ave yer safe in a moment," the man was bellowing. "Aw, poor Squiddy, what's the matter, does 'oo 'ave an 'eadache?"

"Good God," said Lily.

"Poor Squiddy!?" Sirius echoed. "What about us?"

"I suppose it must be his squid, and I did stun it," said Remus, looking guilty. "Maybe I hurt it."

"DAMN the Squid!" Snape shouted. "We're going down, you idiots!"

Though the spell was speeding the other boats towards safety, the effect on their own heavily laden craft was disastrous. They were already half in the water and more was rushing over the bow. Worse, the Squid was arrowing fast through the water, its massive tentacles reaching out for them. If squids could snarl, then this squid was.

"Ahem." James cleared his throat for attention.

"Just do it, James!" Sirius yelled. "If she's not paying attention now, she never will!" Sirius had never thought that 'discovering girls' like his boneheaded friend had done today would be so hazardous to life.

"So," said Potter, annoyed. "My art is unappreciated, I see."

The water level in the boat was climbing higher and the craft began to move more sluggishly under the drag. They were all wet to the knees. Snape bared his teeth and pulled out his wand, eyeing the rapidly approaching Squid.

"No, Sev!" Lily cried. "You can't use one of the dark curses. You promised me you wouldn't!"

"Ignored. Forgotten. Dismissed. Unthanked," James intoned pompously, keeping track of the squid's approaching tentacles.

"Thank you thank you thank you!" Remus shrieked, grabbing at James' knee. "I'm sorry, I forgot to thank you! Now will you help us, please?"

Sirius had somehow gotten all tangled up with Remus, Lily, and the wet robe. No, they weren't hugging each other in terror, not at all. Then Sirius remembered an important point. "Hey," he said to Remus, "don't you know a stunning spell?"

"Oh! You're right," Remus exclaimed, drawing his wand out.

The Squid was almost on them, and Snape and Remus were just beginning to shout words, when James pointed his wand downwards at the boat and said, "Wingardium Leviosa!" The entire boat flew into the air and just missed the angry, reaching tentacles. Remus and Lily cried out, and Snape cursed.

"About time," said Sirius, vowing to learn as many combat spells as possible. Though Sirius' parents had winked at his learning a little underage magic, they'd refused to let him learn anything dangerous in case he and Regulus killed each other. At least James' parents had let him learn something worthwhile, like this flying spell.

"You'd better know what you're doing, Potter," said Snape. "By the way, isn't this illegal underage magic?"

James just smiled. Lily was looking at him as if he might be a little bit better than useless after all.

"You can let go now," said Remus timidly. "Thank you."

"But you're cold and shivering!" Lily replied. "I can't possibly."

"We're protecting you from hypothermia, mate," Sirius added, still wrapped around the boy.

"Set tha' boat down, laddie, yer over land," the big man called from beneath them.

James did so as the big man said, "Jus' a little adventure on the way to Hogwarts, 'ats all. My name's Hagrid, by the way. I'm the groundskeeper here at the school. It's all right, lad. Squiddy jus' wanted to have a look at yer. He didn't mean no 'arm. 'Ere lad, have a tot o' this." Before Remus could react, Hagrid put a bottle to the boy's mouth and tipped back a good portion. Whatever it was, it made Remus' eyes bulge out and the boy cough wildly. "'At'l make yer feel better. Have a couple of frogs, too. Chocolate's good for everything." He raised his voice. "Wring yerselves out now and everyone follow me to the great hall! There's a fire there an' everything."

"I don't think I'm supposed to be drunk for the sorting," Remus said to Sirius. "That stuff must have been a zillion proof." He unwrapped a chocolate frog as he spoke. "Stupefy!"

Watching as Remus nibbled off the frog's legs, Sirius asked, "You stun your chocolate frogs before you eat them?"

"I don't like them twitching in my mouth. When I was younger I vowed I would never hurt any living thing if I could help it."

"But they're not alive!"

Remus' expression became fierce and he glowered at Sirius, frog in mouth. "I mean it! I swore I would never lose my sense of humanity, never, ever, ever! _Stupefy_!" he shouted, zapping another twitching frog.

Sirius exchanged a glance with James, and they shrugged and grinned at each other. Definitely peculiar, Sirius concluded.

When they reached the great hall Remus was already tottering from the alcohol, and he was forced to lean on Sirius to stay upright. They stood by one of the great fires attempting to dry off, but Sirius was soon called to be sorted. Thoughtfully, Sirius switched Remus to Lily's shoulder before he left. Lily in turn passed Remus on to James once her name was called, and James poked Remus when the cry of 'Lupin, Remus,' came. "Your turn, mate. Stay upright now."

Swaying dangerously, Remus passed a thousand miles of tables and staring children before he reached a stool and an enormous hat. For a moment he blinked at it, then he put the hat on his head. He supposed it was appropriate to put things like stupid hats on your head when you were drunk.

_Your hair's wet, boy_.

Remus almost jumped off the stool. _Sorry!_

_My brim is getting damp._

_It was the squid,_ thought Remus. _And the lake. And the boat. The boat was sinking._ His thoughts were so sleepy.

_Half-drunk werewolf? Fighting the Giant Squid?_ The hat chuckled.

_Gryffindor.  
_

* * *

Continued in Chapter 2.


	2. Chapter 2

The feast had ended late and the new Gryffindors were all longing for bed. As they found their way upstairs and put on their pyjamas, a slight 'urk' from their fourth dormmate, Peter Pettigrew, drew Sirius' attention. Peter was staring wide-eyed at Lupin. Remus had donned his pyjamas, taken a teddy bear out of his trunk and tucked it under his arm without any self-consciousness at all.

Sirius swayed on one foot, studying James and Peter. So stuffed animals were all right, then? He knelt in front of his own trunk.

"What the _hell_ is_ that_?" James squawked, pointing at Remus' teddy bear. Potter had puffed up and was pacing back and forth like a fussy hen.

Reluctantly, Sirius dropped Mr. Wriggles back inside his trunk and eased the lid shut.

"Great Merlin and all the Founders! A teddy bear? What if the Slytherins see it? They'll never shut up! And look at his feet! He's still wearing pyjamas _that have the feet in them_."

Remus looked down questioningly, as though he'd never pondered the suitability of his pyjamas before, and lifted a toe. Yes, they were indeed clad in footie leggings.

"Hand that blasted teddy over," Potter demanded.

Remus scowled, his arm tightening over his teddy. "You stay away!" he shrilled.

Slowly, James began to approach.

"James?" Sirius interrupted. "Er, James? Are you sure you--"

THOCK!

At least that was what it sounded like to Sirius as Remus leapt, and a plastic pebbled footie kicked James so hard in the jaw that Potter landed backwards on his bed.

"Oi." Peter was rubbing his own jaw in sympathy. "I bet that hurt. Is that right, James?"

"Wow!" Remus exclaimed as he bent over the prostate Potter, "Are you all right? I was watching this karate movie on the telly and saw this Bruce Lee fellow almost kick a man's jaw right off his face! It was the coolest thing ever, but I didn't think it would work. I'll have to remember that maneuver again when some insufferable prat tries to interfere with me the next time, wouldn't you say, James?"

James was too dazed to respond. All he could see through his skewed glasses was the bobbing face of the teddy bear (whose name, he would soon learn, was Rupert). For a confused moment he thought it was the teddy bear that had attacked him.

A moment later Sirius' face entered his tilted sight. "Still alive there, James? Still breathing? Don't you know better than to try to take a bloke's bear away from him? I think he would have beaten up his own parents if they'd tried it." As James' best friend, Sirius would normally have defended him but he was still sulking about Mr. Wriggles. Besides, Sirius thought it was an especially bad idea to pick a fight with a roommate on the first day of school. "Didn't you see how he took out the Giant Squid? ZAPSPLOOSH."

In a few moments James was able to sit up and ascertain that his jaw was still there and that none of his teeth were planning to visit the Tooth Fairy. He glared at Remus (and Rupert).

"Hey, didn't I save your life earlier?" said James. "Remember a flying boat or something, mate? What about gratitude?"

Remus thought for a moment. "Chocolate frog?" he offered.

James glowered. "I'd hardly call this a fair exchange. A frog in return for your life?"

"Chocolate's very important to me," said Remus meekly.

"Didn't he do most of the saving himself anyw--Mmph!" said Peter before James' hand clapped over his mouth.

"All right. I'll accept your frog for now. If you've left me any thing to eat it with."

Remus handed the frog over. "So," said James with a self-important bite, "truce? At least while we're roommates?"

"That's good enough for me," Remus replied. Sirius thought he looked relieved.

"But seriously, can't you do something about those bloody pyjamas?" James added.

"What's wrong with them? They keep my feet warm."

James rolled his eyes. "Just don't let the Slytherins see them and don't take that _thing_ out of this room."

"That _thing_ is called Rupert," Remus replied fiercely, hugging the bear to his chest.

"Guh." James gave Sirius a look. Doubly peculiar, their eyes agreed.

* * *

So that was how their first day went and Sirius thought he'd gotten through it remarkably well, until a house-elf blew out their candles and bade them goodnight.

It was very quiet in the castle, fated to be Sirius' home for the next seven years. He brooded over this awhile. Seven years. Only a little shorter than he'd been alive, if you thought about it. It wasn't that Sirius exactly liked Grimmauld Place, but it was all he knew. And it wasn't that he exactly liked his parents but they were the only parents he had and well, there was James but--

What was that? A sniffle?

It came from the drawn hangings of Remus' bed. Sirius listened closely. A second sniffle came.

Joy!

Two sniffles was enough to be polite, so Sirius rose and crossed over to Remus' bed carrying his pillow and dragging his counterpane after him. He pushed aside the hangings, ignored Remus' startled gasp and the fact that Remus had been crying into Rupert, and climbed in. A pair of quick spells widened the bed enough for the two boys by shortening the length (the beds were long enough for seventh years, so there was extra leg room for Sirius to work with).

"That's advanced transfiguration!" Remus exclaimed, blotting his tears with Rupert. "How did you do that?"

"Oh, my family insisted I learn a few spells before I came to Hogwarts," Sirius replied casually as he spread the extra counterpane over them both.

"But that's illegal. They let you break the law against underage magic?"

"What about your parents? They taught you the stunner, obviously."

Remus ducked his head. "My parents wanted me to learn a few spells for my own safety," he said into the sheets. "They taught me when I was very young." He rubbed his hand across his reddened face and looked at Sirius. "It's your first time away from home, isn't it?"

"What?" Sirius replied defensively. "What are you talking about?"

"It is, isn't it? I don't mind if you want to spend the night with me, or a few nights. It's my first time away from home, too. I don't mind the company."

Relieved, Sirius sank down into his pillow. "Good."

"How long did you want to stay?"

"Er--Spring?"

Remus gave the other boy a startled look, but Sirius had already shut his eyes. Figuring 'Spring' was just an exaggeration, Remus dozed off without realizing it wasn't.

* * *

Remus woke up the next morning with Sirius snuggled against him, breathing great gouts of hot breath right into the neck of Remus' pyjamas, making the werewolf think about steam baths and saunas and geysers. It was so hot Remus had to pull away a little from his bedmate and fan the excess moisture out of his pyjama top. All motion stopped when he saw James lying in bed with them, directly on the other side of Sirius. James was sound asleep with Remus' teddy bear cradled in his arms. The werewolf startled, then froze when he felt something prod his spine. Cautiously, he looked over his shoulder. Peter Pettigrew was dozing on the other side of Remus, sucking away on his thumb.

It was a delicate situation.

Remus lay back down, cleared his throat as loudly as possible, and feigned sleep. A moment later he felt stirrings, then a sudden frantic rising and falling of the mattress in great waves as boys hurdled themselves off and dove through the curtains. All except Sirius, who only hugged Remus tighter and breathed more hot breath. Remus prodded him until he woke.

"Morning, Remus. Did you sleep well?" Sirius yawned.

"I think so."

"I suppose I did too, though I feel rather cramped." Sirius frowned. "I thought I made this bed large enough."

Remus tried to hide a smile. "We need to get ready for classes."

As Remus left for the showers, Sirius rose and stretched.

"What. Is. This?" said James accusingly. "You spent the night with him!"

Sirius lowered his arms. "What? Is something wrong? Listen, Jamesy-boy. He needs looking after. He's only eleven years old and that's much too young to be away from home if he's placing all this shameless, public emotional reliance on teddy bears!" In mid-rant Sirius faltered, staring at the teddy bear in James' right hand.

James looked down and noticed Rupert, too. "Fuck!" Potter gasped. With Quidditch-worthy speed, James flung the teddy through Remus' bed curtains and onto the mattress.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Having a problem there, James? Difficult night or something?"

"No!" James replied with vehemence. "Now promise me you're not going to be a complete girl about this sleeping-with-another-bloke business. We're finally here at Hogwarts, away from any sort of parental supervision, and we're going to have the time of our lives, right? We're almost grownups, we're men, and we're Gryffindors, by Merlin! We're the bravest of them all!"

"And no snuggling up to strange blokes for their teddy bears, eh?"

"I don't know what you mean," James replied with severity.

"It's rather unfair to Remus to criticize his teddy bear," said Peter, "only to poach--"

"You can't poach an animal that's stuffed; it has to be alive," Remus corrected as he emerged from the showers.

"Classes, mates! Classes!" James bellowed frantically. "We're about to be late!"

* * *

Their first class that morning was transfiguration. Minerva McGonagall gave her usual opening speech, and to whet their appetites for magic, she turned into a cat, summoned a Patronus and taught them a simple basic Accio. But their next class, Care of Magical Creatures, was a disaster.

"For your first lesson," said Professor Kettleburn as he led them to a paddock just outside the Forbidden Forest, "you are to write down the distinctive characteristics of the animal I am going to show you. Quills at ready?" The Professor raised his wand and removed a large obscuring bush to show them a pearly unicorn, glowing with its own light.

"Oh no," said Remus. Wearily, he stowed his quill and handed his parchment to Peter just as the unicorn squealed and charged. The unicorn cleared the paddock rails in one jump and Remus shot up the nearest tree almost as fast. Breathing vapor and fuming, the animal prowled and reared, trying to get at the boy.

"Help!" Remus screamed as he dangled from a branch just a few feet from the enraged unicorn's horn.

"Sirius, you're a virgin, go distract it," James said, shoving Sirius forward.

"If you think my temporary condition will be useful you're mad," Sirius replied, digging in his heels. "It needs a girl virgin, anyway. What is it with magical creatures and Remus? They all seem to go for him."

Professor Kettleburn was vainly trying to herd the unicorn away. "Just a temporary setback, children!"

"Lily!" Sirius yelled. "Go to it! Distract it with virgin fumes or something!"

Bravely, Lily tried to do so. She darted nervously in front of the plunging animal, but it ignored her.

"She's not a virgin?" James asked, shocked.

"Lily, get away from there." Professor Kettleburn waved a hand. "It's too upset to mind you. Five points to Gryffindor for remembering that female virgins have an entrancing effect on unicorns, though this present case is atypical."

"Can somebody help? My arms are about to give out!" Remus screamed.

"James, throw your robe over its head while I distract it," Sirius said.

The next sequence of events happened too fast for anyone to prevent it. Lily, who was frightened for Remus, kicked the unicorn hard in the leg. The animal stopped lunging in surprise and paused to give Lily an injured look. Just then Remus' arms gave out and he fell shrieking right towards the sharp point of its horn. At the last second Sirius jerked the unicorn's head aside by its horn, and Remus landed on the unicorn's back. Unable to stop himself, James flung his robe right over both Remus and the unicorn.

"Oh damn," said James as the blinded unicorn tossed Sirius aside and took off bucking wildly. "That wasn't supposed to happen."

"After it!" yelled Lily. The students and professor hallooed and steeplechased across the grounds, Professor Kettleburn muttering something about tenure all the while.

The unicorn had almost reached the shore of the lake. James raised his wand and shouted, "Sirius, watch! New spell. Accio robe!" The robe flew off both Remus and the unicorn. The animal stopped, Remus didn't, and the boy cannonballed into the water.

"Petrificus Totalus!" The unicorn froze into a statue as Professor Kettleburn finally remembered a useful spell.

"Looks like you ought to learn how to swim, mate," said James as he fished a miserable Remus out of the water.

"Or learn a drying charm. You've been awfully wet for our first two days," added Peter.

"Everything all right?" said Professor Kettleburn. "No harm done. Here lad, have a tot of this."

"Wait a minute, I don't wish to be--"

The Professor tossed a slug of liquid down Remus' throat before the boy could defend himself.

"--drunk for Potions," said Remus despairingly after he finished coughing. Lily finger-combed his hair again while Sirius offered a chocolate frog.

"All fixed? That's good." Professor Kettleburn laughed a little hysterically. "Oh, yes, drying charm. Here, lad." Kettleburn cast the spell. "That's enough for today. Everyone off to your next class." He led them back to Hogwarts at a good clip.

"Cheer up, mate. Not everyone has had the chance to ride a unicorn, even inadvertently," said James. "Ho for Potions!"

"Can this day get any worse?" Remus muttered.

* * *

It could. Remus, who was still very rattled by his encounter with the unicorn, smashed a beaker in Potions, then followed this up by destroying an Erlenmeyer, finally reaching a crescendo when he nudged a mortar and pestle off his workbench onto his foot. A visit to Madam Pomfrey was needed to heal the broken toe. "I think I've touched bottom," Remus insisted bravely as his three roommates plus Lily made a chair with their arms and carried him to the infirmary. "This is all I have to endure today. No more nonsense."

"That's the spirit! Besides, our next class is going to be the best. It's flying!" James said.

"Oh, no," Remus whimpered.

* * *

Remus, it turned out, was afraid of heights. James and Sirius spent half the class trying to coax Remus onto his broom, and the rest of the class period trying to get him more than three millimeters off the ground. When Remus took his first wobbly soar, he remembered too late that he was also a little drunk. He felt the world doing a circle around him and fell off his broom. The werewolf revived to an irate Madam Pomfrey who grounded him for the rest of the day and sent him straight back to his dorm.

Despondently, Remus stared out his dorm window until his roommates came back from their last class.

"You missed DADA, Remus," Peter said unhelpfully. The newcomers were all in high spirits, laughing over the class they'd just finished.

"Hard luck, Remus." James paused. "You'll pick up a few useful things from DADA eventually, I'm sure."

Sirius dropped into a crouch. "Professor Merrythought taught us a basic shield charm. Anybody could learn it, even you. Come on, James. Attack me and let's demonstrate."

Peter cleared his throat. "Careful there. You might hurt Remus."

Remus' eyes narrowed. "Are you three in that much doubt about my ability?"

James and Sirius fidgeted, and Peter began to hum. Remus tapped his wand on his palm, and glared at the trio of boys for a moment.  Then he spat, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

Out of his wand came a thick, silvery vapor. But instead of the brief flame-like burst McGonagall had used to produce a Patronus, Remus' wand kept pouring out silver. It began as a heavy fog, and towered higher and higher, boiling and building like a thundercloud above their heads. James and Sirius exchanged an uneasy look and began to back away. Peter joined them in the general creep towards the door.

For one second the towering Patronus was all rough-shaped mass before it coalesced with a violent _fwoomp_. When James saw what it was, he flew straight up into the air and landed on Sirius, sending them both crashing to the floor. "Holy fuck," James gasped, clutching Sirius around the neck.

"Gerroff me!" said Sirius because James was throttling him.

The giant Patronus bobbed closer and closer, and a vast inhuman head leaned over to inspect them with giant silvery eyes. James squeaked and tried to burrow right into Sirius' chest. With some thrashing and grunting, Sirius managed to free his neck. "James! You're hugging me with excessive closeness. Do you mind? My clothes are only big enough for one person at a time."

Ignoring him, James goggled at the Patronus. "That is the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. LOOK at it."

"I am! Loosen up, you coward."

A giant replica of Rupert stood in front of them, swaying like a balloon.

"Honestly, James, it's only a teddy bear." Sirius shrugged James off and managed to stand, crossing his arms with smug self-assurance.

"A teddy bear Patronus," breathed Peter. "I can't believe it. A teddy bear! It's exactly the sort of thing a small boy would conjure."

"That's right," Sirius said as he helped James to his feet. "Now stop quaking."

"You know what they say about Patroni," said Peter wryly. "They're supposed to be the thing you love most."

The three boys looked at Remus with speculation. Sirius grinned. James, who had recovered somewhat, sniggered. Peter smiled and gave a little laugh. "A teddy bear Patronus!" he repeated.

Remus, who had been watching his Patronus proudly, heard the sniggers. He stared at his friends in shock, then looked at Rupert again. His face scrunched up and the Rupert Patronus vanished. When Remus looked back at them, he was crying the full-scale wail of someone so hurt he didn't care who heard him.

"Remus! Remus? What's the matter?" Sirius hurried over. "You're all right, aren't you?"

"No!" Remus yelled, flinching away. He said something they couldn't make out.

"What was that?" James asked. "Why are you crying? The spell worked, you know."

What Remus said next was hard to decipher, but it seemed to be,

"ThatwasmyspecialspellandhewastheonlyreasonIgotintoHogwartsandIlovehimandthinkhe'scoolandnowyou'relaughing-

athimandIthinkhe'swonderfulandyou'reallnothing-butalotofPRICKS," before dissolving into incoherent wails again.

"Eh?" queried Peter.

"He's a _nice_ Patronus!" Sirius insisted, giving James a fast foot-to-shin. "He's a _fantastic_ Patronus."

"Ow! Yes, yes he is. He's a wonderful Patronus," James agreed quickly, giving Sirius a fast do-that-again-and-I'll-kill-you thump-to-head. "Absolutely scrumptious."

"Spiffing, topping," Peter agreed hurriedly.

"Oh, shut up," Remus flared, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his robe. "This isn't the time to let me know you've been reading those sentimental boys' school stories. You WORTHLESS SODDING BASTARDS!"

It took a good ten minutes of coddling and chocolate frogs to calm Remus down. Sirius kept insisting that Rupert made a wonderful Patronus and urged Remus to cast him again. But when Remus tried to do so, something went wrong. No matter how many times Remus shouted the words and flicked his wand, no Patronus appeared.

"It's all right, mate. You're just upset," James said. "You need a happy mindset."

Remus didn't give up. Again and again he flicked his wand, growing ever more panicky. "I don't understand! I've always been able to cast him easily before. Expecto Patronum!" Tears began to work their way down his cheeks again.

"Have another bite of frog," Sirius urged. Sirius was almost as upset as Remus. He hadn't meant for a little snicker to destroy his friend's spellcasting. A mental voice inside Sirius insisted that Remus would stop crying if Sirius would just lick his face vigorously, but that was much too weird. In his confusion, he grabbed Remus and kissed his cheek instead. Remus stopped crying instantly and stared at Sirius like he'd gone mad. So did James and Peter.

"Now that I have your attention," said Sirius, raising a finger, "I want you to cast that Patronus. I want you to cast the biggest, fattest, beariest Patronus that ever uh, patronused. _Or_, I'll kiss you again," Sirius leaned in closer, "right on the lips."

They could almost see Remus' hair standing on end. "Expecto Patronum!" Remus shouted frantically.

_Whomp_! Once again Rupert stood before then, nodding gently.

"What the hell was that, Black?" said James in the tone he reserved for those occasions when Sirius had done something spectacularly idiotic.

"My brother Reg doesn't respond anymore when I threaten to beat him up," Sirius explained, "he just sneers and yells for Mother. But when I threaten to kiss him on the lips, he flies into absolute hysterics. Works better than the Imperius. The little worm will do anything I want."

"It's certainly effective," Peter said queasily. Remus flashed his wand and the Patronus disappeared. The werewolf rubbed the tears off his face, gave Sirius an embarrassed glance, and edged towards the door. "Excuse me, I need to fetch my homework for the class I missed. I'll see you at dinner."

"Poor bloke," said Sirius.

"He will have his teddy tonight, so don't feel too sorry for him."

"Peter! That is the most unkind remark I've ever heard!" Sirius rounded on his dormmate. "It is not his fault he's dependent on his teddy."

James laughed.

"What?" Sirius demanded.

"Are you sleeping with Remus again tonight?" James asked.

"I, er--I--uh."

"I don't think we need to worry anymore about Rupert," said James, giving Peter a wink. Sirius gave them both the evil eye, then ignored them.

* * *

Continued in Chapter 3.


	3. Chapter 3

James could be a bit thick about things, but at other times he showed an odd shrewdness. Indeed, as the week went on, Rupert began to be left on Remus' desk instead of sharing his owner's bed. By the end of the week Rupert was back inside the werewolf's trunk. James was glad to see the blasted thing go. However, another worry had begun to bother James.

"Why are you still sleeping with Remus?" James demanded one morning after Peter and Remus had gone down early to breakfast. "What's going on?"

Sirius' face became rueful. "I can't sleep by myself anymore, James, I just can't doze off. I need to know he's there and hear him breathing. It's like I've turned into one of those Muggles who needs a fan or a wireless going at night."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake. You have got to be joking. What are you going to do a decade from now when you find some girl, get married, and you're still sleeping with Remus?"

"Tell her she can join us or sleep on the couch," Sirius retorted.

James put his head in his hands.

* * *

James could not understand his friend's behavior until the day Sirius had a Quidditch accident and needed a night in the hospital wing to regrow some bone. It was utterly absurd, James scoffed to himself as he buttoned up his pyjama top that night in preparation for bed. Too ridiculous, he thought even as he tossed back the covers of Remus' bed, and climbed in beside the startled boy.

Remus sat up. "James?"

"I er, thought since Sirius couldn't be here for you tonight, I'd take his place, all right?"

"But I don't think I need--"

"Utterly ridiculous, I say. Nonetheless, Sirius is my friend and as long as he's in trouble I will never hesitate to help him out."

"How does sleeping with me help Sirius?" Remus said, unable to grasp Potter logic.

"It eases his mind and I promised him. He woke up from his coma and seized my arm, implored me not to leave you alone, then passed out again."

"Are you joking?" Remus was dumbfounded.

"No. Now, go to sleep. I've got to rise early for Quidditch practice tomorrow."

Reluctantly, Remus lay back down. After about five minutes of silence he said, "James?"

"Yes?"

"Could you do me a favor? You're closer to my trunk than I am. Could you reach in and retrieve Rupert?"

"What? Do you think you need a chaperone?"

"Pleeeaase?"

"All right, all right." With a grunt and a thud, the teddy bear was deposited in Remus' arms. Remus waited until James had settled himself again.

"James?"

"What?"

"Could you please give Rupert a goodnight kiss?"

"What the _bloody hell_?"

An amused snort came from Peter's bed.

"Right there?" Remus asked, pointing at Rupert's nose.

For one moment James was about to tell Remus to go stuff it, then he felt oddly dizzy, like he was awakening from a spell. When he regained his senses, he was kissing Rupert's nose.

"Thank you, James," said Remus solemnly, lying back down. "You're a very decent fellow."

As Remus arranged the covers over Rupert, James stared blankly. He had just kissed a teddy bear on the nose. He had _kissed Rupert_. For a long moment James pondered whether he had lost his mind, then tried to recall all the ways a bloke could possibly lose his mind without actually being crazy. He felt sane. He thought he was sane. That left only one possibility--the Imperius Curse.

_Well yes, that made perfect sense, risking Azkaban just to make someone kiss a teddy bear on the nose. Perfect sense, Potter._

"James?"

"_What_ do _you_ want, Peter?" James replied through gritted teeth.

"Could you tell me a bedtime story?"

"Piss off!"

Peter snickered and Remus giggled.

"Are you two done gulling me?" James asked, pained.

"You're being an awfully decent bloke," Remus told him.

"GOODNIGHT, you two."

"James?"

James did not reply.

"If you want, Rupert will give _you_ a goodnight kiss."

"How the hell does Sirius stand this?" James muttered into his pillow.

* * *

When James' eyes opened the next morning, he said, "My name is James Potter and I want to bite the hell out of someone." He also had about fourteen brilliant ideas for hexing Slytherins, along with a powerfully exultant feeling usually not reached until after two cups of tea. He wanted to fly out of bed right now and start clearing the halls of all enemies. James thought about this for a moment. Hexing Slytherins yes, that was normal. But biting people? Where did that come from? He studied Remus, who was still asleep with Rupert. Maybe there was something--

No, that was nonsense.

* * *

Sirius was released from the infirmary that morning and he joined James for a short practice on the frosty Quidditch field right before breakfast. At 7:10, he and James started up on their brooms, made a dive for the Snitch, and refused to get out of each other's way. At 7:20, both boys were lying in the infirmary being treated by Madam Pomfrey.

"No, they will not be ready to leave soon," Madam Pomfrey said sharply to Remus and Peter when they brought by some food for their injured dormmates. "Multiple fractures need time to heal, even with magic." She glared at Sirius. "Not even half an hour and you're back _again_!"

"Hard luck," said Peter.

"Chocolate frog?" Remus offered. "I brought one for each of you."

As James and Sirius ate their frogs and porridge, Sirius grabbed Peter's arm. "You know what you must do, Pete."

"Bloody hell," replied Peter, the first time he'd sworn at Hogwarts.

* * *

That night Peter did a few stretching exercises before joining Remus in bed.

"What the hell?" said Remus, sitting up. It was the first time _he'd_ sworn at Hogwarts, too.

"Er, since Sirius and James are--"

"Never mind, Pete."

* * *

The next morning Peter stood at the door of the Hogwarts infirmary and announced, "I think we're all underneath a spell."

Neither James nor Sirius bothered to listen since they were still arguing about the Snitch. "You're a Beater, you bloody Black, and Snitches are not your business."

"I was trying to show you some technique, you Snitch-stealing Potter. It's your fault for getting in my way."

"Do we ever actually leave Remus alone?" Peter mused.

"Bosh. We're doing it right now," replied James. "You don't see him here, do you?"

"He's with Lily," Peter said. "It was very strange. I didn't feel it was right to come visit you until he was with someone who was--safe."

"Good man," Sirius replied.

"Lily?" James squawked. "My Lily?"

"He's braiding her hair. And then all the rest of the first-year girls saw it and wanted him to braid their hair too, so he went off to the girls' wing. He's a very obedient hair-braider."

James choked. "What? How did he manage to climb the stairs? They keep turning into a slide for me."

"The girls hoisted him over their shoulders and carried him off."

James snapped his fingers. "That's it! Polyjuice Potion. You and Sirius and Remus all take Polyjuice Potion and turn into girls, and then you carry me up the stairs! It's a terrific plan."

"Give it up, James," Sirius growled. "There is no way I'm turning into a girl for you."

"Do you know," Peter continued, "they're beginning to call us by collective nouns? 'There goes the pack of Gryffindors,' they say, or 'there's the Gryff-pile.'"

"Pile?" asked James.

"When we're sitting on the grass we tend to form a pile around or across Remus," Peter reminded him.

Sirius scoffed. "That's just me putting my feet or my head on his lap. He's comfortable to lounge on."

"No, he's not, he's boney. That's the way he feels when I sprawl against him, anyway," said James.

"It's _all_ of us. It _must_ be a spell," Peter repeated. "We're always surrounding him when we walk the halls and we sit on either side of him at meals. We don't let anyone join him unless it's someone we trust, like Lily. It's absolutely _freakish_. It's like we're protecting him."

"What's wrong with wanting to protect one of your mates?" Sirius said. "Unless said mate happens to dive in one's face for a stupid Snitch."

"I told you that was my--"

"But why should we feel protective? We're always hexing other students, so it's not like we care," Peter persisted.

"Pete," said James. "Did you ever consider that it might be because we're Gryffindors? Because we're noble and altruistic and always wish to do the right thing?"

"I don't," Peter replied. "I'm utterly selfish." His remark was ignored, as his remarks often were by his friends, ensuring that October 31, 1981 would be a complete surprise to certain people. Stubbornly, Peter persisted. "And you," he said to Sirius, "you're always sneaking bits of food off his plate at meals. You're tasting his food to see if it's safe!"

"No, I'm not. I'm just helping myself. He doesn't mind. He just serves himself larger portions."

"I still say it's a spell," Peter insisted.

They were interrupted by the arrival of Lily and Remus, both wearing a beautiful set of braids. Remus looked so sheepish (They abducted me and had their wicked way, he explained) and odd that the boys totally forgot their discussion, and when they did remember, James and Sirius only got into an argument about whether Remus was comfortable to lounge on. They settled the question by seizing Remus, laying him flat on the infirmary floor and sprawling on him.

"Boney," said James from the leg area.

"Firm but with a pleasant give," Sirius insisted with his head on Remus' stomach.

"Why am I here?" Remus asked plaintively.

"_My God_, boys are stupid," cried Lily.

"Excuse me, Lily-flower, but we're not the ones who braided this poor bloke's locks in such a silly manner, if you'll pardon me for saying so."

"Isn't anyone listening to me?" Peter wailed as Lily stormed out.

* * *

Continued in Chapter 4.


	4. Chapter 4

It would have surprised Peter to discover that his words had sunk in a little, although none of the boys had discussed it with each other. James recalled a rather interesting book he'd read about magical creatures. Sirius remembered a few Black family stories. Peter roamed the library looking for accounts about oddball magical spells. A few days later, Peter entered the dorm with a book titled _Werewolf_ _Physiology_. He'd tried to find other books about werewolves, but for some reason they were all checked out. As Peter crossed the room he noticed James at his desk reading _The Juvenile Werewolf_, and Sirius lying on his bed with _Werewolf, Menace or Misfortune_?

"So that's where they went," said Peter to James. "I was looking for those books."

"What?" James snapped his volume shut. "Just er, reading an old entry in my diary."

Sirius had hurled his own book inside his trunk. "I'm just looking at naked birds. Nothing harmful, Mum--er, Pete."

"Keeping a diary requires having actual thoughts, James, and we haven't seen that day yet," Peter said. "As for you, Sirius, considering the way you've been sleeping with Remus, I don't see any birds nesting in your future." Peter held up his book. "Werewolf Physiology. I inspected the checkout slip and the two previous borrowers before me were James Potter and Sirius Black. I suppose we all know, don't we?"

Sirius lost his supercilious expression and he glanced at a solemn James. "I admit I had a moment of full-blown Black family paranoia when I realized Remus was a werewolf. Then I remembered Rupert and laughed it off."

"I remembered the footie pyjamas," said James. "It was too ridiculous to think he could be a threat after that. What about you, Pete?"

"I know it's not much, but I remembered that we've been sleeping in the same dorm with him for almost three weeks and he hasn't eaten Sirius yet, and Sirius ought to be first on the menu."

The trio failed to notice the slight noise of a door opening and shutting.

"So what do we do?" said James. "I expect he'll have to be changing soon."

They heard a soft thump and turned. Remus was lying unconscious on the floor.

"Merlin," said Sirius, "he must have heard us saying he's a werewolf."

"I'll put him on his bed." James waved his wand and floated Remus on top of the counterpane while Peter tied back the bed curtains. Nervously, they waited for Remus to revive while they tried to think of what to say to him. But time has a way of playing tricks on the impatient and it seemed like ten minutes went by with no signs of life from Remus.

"We need smelling salts," said Sirius.

James shook his head. "I don't think we can go to the infirmary or the potions lab. There would be awkward questions."

"I know!" Sirius skewered one of James' Quidditch socks on his wand and dangled the pungent, ammoniacal object over Remus' nose.

"Are you sure that's safe?" Peter asked. "Werewolves are supposed to have a highly developed sense of smell. That sock might kill him."

"Hey!" cried James.

They watched Remus' white face. There was no reaction, and Sirius bit his lip. "Maybe we were wrong. He might not have fainted, you know. Maybe he was hexed. None of us saw him enter the room, remember. A Slytherin might have shot a spell at him in the hallway."

The notion took hold like taffy. Remus ought to be awake by now, so a hex seemed sensible. The Marauders _had_ been making enemies, after all. James waved his wand. "Finite Incantatem." Remus didn't react. "Are there any other ways to break hexes?"

"Unless we know the specific hex, we can't do anything," said Peter.

"Wait!" Sirius flung the sock off his wand-tip. "Don't you remember our last class with Flitwick? He said a simple cure for certain types of hexes was a kiss. It's the raw white magic in the action that affects the cure. He said it was a good spell-breaker when you have no knowledge of the particular hex that was used."

"Oh sure, just kiss whoever's trying to Avada Kedavra you," Peter scoffed. "That'll work beautifully."

James and Sirius were eyeing each other. "And whom were you thinking might work this 'cure?' James asked.

"Erm," said Sirius.

"Not me," said Peter.

"I suspect a girl's kiss might be the best cure but I would hesitate to subject my darling Lily to such an ordeal. However, better her than me," added James.

"Remus is not an ordeal!" Sirius flared. "He's a misunderstood boy werewolf. I'll do it, you cowards." He leaned over the bed, planted his lips on Remus', and began to suck noisily as if he were trying to siphon the very last bit of soda out of a glass through a straw. Either that, or collapse a lung.

Peter and James paled.

Then Sirius blew a ferocious raspberry again Remus' lips. If McGonagall had heard it, she would have given Sirius detention for a month. In the midst of this treatment, Remus woke up flailing.

"It worked! It worked! He's awake," Sirius crowed. "See, he's--fainted again."

Remus was falling back limply, his eyes shutting. Peter ran off to be sick in the bathroom.

"Black. That was the most disgusting performance I have ever witnessed," said James severely. "Honestly, that kiss must have been a greater shock to him than finding out we know he's a werewolf. No wonder Regulus has hysterics when you threaten to kiss him."

"What? Are you implying something is wrong with my kissing? I'm a WONDERFUL kisser. All the girls tell me so."

The sound of Peter being sick floated out of the bathroom.

"Well, I might need a little practice."

"Since something completely noisome didn't work, I'm going to use chocolate. Stand aside." James unwrapped a frog and waved it in front of Remus' nose. "Remus seems to think it's a cure for everything so maybe it might work on him."

"Dark chocolate, not milk chocolate," corrected Remus, his eyes still shut.

"Oh yes, good suggestion, Sirius." James searched for a dark chocolate frog.

"What? I didn't say anything. That must have been Pete." A heaving noise from the bathroom argued otherwise.

"GREAT MERLIN." James raised his fingers expecting to see bloody, hacked-off stumps. Remus' teeth had snapped so fast that the frog had disappeared entirely inside the werewolf's mouth. "You're not a werewolf; you're a werepig."

Remus spat out the wrapper, still chewing. "Sorry," he said as he sat up. "I really needed to get that flavor out of my mouth."

"Remus!" Sirius cried, jumping on Remus' lap and knocking him flat. "We didn't mean to scare you! We don't mind that you're a fierce, chocolate-lusting werewolf, not at all."

"Urk," said Peter, wiping his mouth as he joined them.

"I know you don't mind. Christ, could you get off a moment?"

"You know?" Sirius blurted, still sitting on Remus' lap.

"Of course. You," Remus stabbed a finger at Peter, "would not have felt concern for me about the deadly sock if you thought otherwise, and you," Remus pointed at James, "would not have given me chocolate, and you," he indicated Sirius, "would not have kissed me--such as it was--if you hated me for being a werewolf."

"You were awake the entire time?" said James accusingly.

Remus looked a little ashamed. "I had to find out what your reactions would be. I'm sorry. But I thank you all."

"That was right scheming of you, mate," said Sirius from his perch on Remus.

James crossed his arms. "A pretty good prank. But I'd say you were paid back properly. That kiss was almost fatal."

"Hey!"

"Remus?"

"Yes, Pete?"

"What--what do people taste like?"

Remus glared a moment, then crooked a finger. "Come here."

"Now wait, I wasn't volunteering," Peter said, backing away.

"C'mere, Peter," Remus crooned as he pushed Sirius off his lap. He began to stalk the shrinking boy around the room.

"Now, Remus, we're going to have lunch soon enough; no need to eat the boy," said James.

"Yes!" Peter squeaked. "Stop him, you two!"

"You heard him, Remus-wolf. But what is this penchant for eating Peter? You were never interested before." Sirius, however, did not attempt to interfere.

Remus lunged.

"Help--URGH!"

Remus had stuffed Peter's hand inside Peter's mouth. "There. That's what people taste like."

"Leftover vomit and bile?" said James. "Very odd. I wonder if we would taste better with a dressing or a sauce."

"Anything is good with chocolate sauce," Remus said. "But how did you discover I was a werewolf? I thought I'd been careful."

"Defendo Liber Lupus," said James. "We were all under its spell. I'd read about it in a book on werewolves a couple of years ago and had totally forgotten about it."

"What?!"

"Defend the wolf-child," Sirius breathed. "I believe you're right, James."

James picked up his book and read aloud, "'Werewolves, like all magical creatures, emit magic. Much of it is unconsciously done, such as the horrifying glamour that overcomes the werewolf's victims, paralyzing them with fear as the werewolf begins its moonlight hunt.'"

Peter cleared his throat. "I think Remus and the rest of us know that part already."

"Oh, right. Anyway, 'One of the lesser-known types of magical effluvia emitted by the werewolf is the curious condition--one almost hesitates to call it a spell as it is more exactly a glamour--known as Defendo Liber Lupus. This glamour is given off by the juvenile werewolf under certain special conditions. If separated from parents or guardian figures and placed in circumstances that the young werewolf interprets as dangerous, strange, or frightening, the youthful werewolf will begin to emit this particular glamour. The purpose of Defendo Liber Lupus is the formation of the 'pseudo-pack,' as opposed to the real-life pack consisting of parents, guardians or adult werewolves. Those that fall under the glamour experience feelings of emotional closeness to the young werewolf, as well as a desire to protect and defend the werewolf exactly as a real pack would. The amount of Defendo Liber Lupus the werewolf emits rises and falls in sync with the werewolf's anxiety, and automatically rises to its most extreme peak when the werewolf is at its most vulnerable, namely when the werewolf is asleep at night.'"

Remus stared blankly.

"I think that explains everything," said Sirius. "Well! Who's for taking the invisibility cloak off to the kitchens?"

"Do you mean to say," said Remus incredulously, "that _I'm_ responsible for Sirius being such an utter nutter?"

"Although some of it is natural--I've known Sirius for years--I would have to say yes," James replied.

"Oh." Remus ducked his head and reddened. "I thought he had a crush." The werewolf reddened further.

"Will you kindly not discuss me while I am standing here? Especially when the subject is one as sensitive as crushes. I like you well enough Remus-wolf, but no, I do not have a crush."

Peter and James breathed sighs of relief.

"I resent that," said Sirius. "Crushes by me should not be the cause of great anxiety in other people. That's positively insulting. On the other hand, you--yes, James Potter, I mean you--have given me seventeen heart attacks about this Lily business. Get over it soon, all right?"

"Never," said James.

"Does this mean you're going back to your own bed?" Remus asked. He looked strangely sad.

"No," said Sirius. "I suppose I could, since you're not as scared of Hogwarts as you used to be, but it's the Muggle fan thing at this point."

Remus swallowed hard. "I have no idea what that means."

"You don't have to."

"Great," Peter groaned. "This means I'm going to go through my adolescence with an ever-prurient wonder about what's happening between you two behind your bed curtains. Couldn't you spare me?"

"And me?" James pleaded.

"If you're not going to spare me this Lily stuff, James, then I have no qualms about making you suffer. Besides, if it's not me, Defendo Liber Lupus will do its work on you two right when you're getting ready to ask out girls. Trust me, it will be hard to explain to your date why you're snuggling up to a werewolf at night," Sirius replied.

"Good God, I'd forgotten," James said. "I suppose you're right."

Peter gave an uneasy laugh. "Just be glad there's no obscure werewolf glamour that starts operating once the werewolf hits puberty; now that would be a right mess." He laughed harder.

The other three were staring at him.

"There isn't one, is there?" Peter asked weakly.

"Now that you mention it," said Remus with a blush. "My parents did warn me about--"

The End


End file.
